June 09, 2010

Get Up, Breathe, Learn From It, And Move On

A few years ago, there was a moment where I completely flipped out due to an annoying situation that happened because of my deafness. I was sitting in the back of a moving car with my older brother. My dad and my younger brother were sitting in the front. As always, I could never really understand what was being said in the front. To make things worse, the windows were down. They were talking about something that seemed important. All I heard was something about an airplane. My brother bursted out laughing. Naturally, I wanted to know what they were talking about. I asked my brother, "What are you guys talking about?" He did not respond and continued listening to them talking. I asked again. Again, he did not respond, but motioned for me to wait. I became very angry. I was incensed.

I suddenly screamed and hit the seat in front of me,

"What the hell are you all yammering on about?! What did they say?! Why can't you tell me?!!! I HATE THIS!!"

My brother calmly turned to me and told me that he wanted to get the whole story first and then tell me. He gave me that look where he knows that I am pissed and that I need to calm down and not be ugly. I took a deep breath and let him tell me what they were talking about. It turned out to be nothing that I would have found interesting. All that huffing and anger for nothing.

All those years of pent up frustration and anger suddenly came out from not ever being able to follow completely what is being said in certain situations. In group or noisy situations I usually have to hear it from a second source, not from the original. I am not able to be in the moment, to fully participate in it, and to enjoy it. I have to wait. I hate waiting. By the time I find out what the joke was or what they were talking about, the moment has passed.

I wasn't angry at my brother. He did nothing wrong. I was reminded of what I have to put up with in certain situations. I was just angry in general, and the annoying situation pushed me over the edge.

After my blow up, I realize that I never want that to happen again. I need to accept that this will happen again. It is a challenge, and it is up to me to figure out how best to deal with it. I cannot get angry at others (unless they are intentionally excluding or hurting me). I cannot let myself blow up like that again. If I am upset about something, I'll have to let others be aware of my frustrations and we will have to figure out how we can best solve this problem. Then I will need to let myself get angry and cry about it at home or in the comfort of my friends and family. I can't keep it all in to myself.

So, I know what it is like to be excluded. I understand the frustrations. But, I will never understand the need to constantly blow up and accuse others of 'audism' or performing 'deaf hate crime' over every little thing without giving a good explanation or dealing with it in a clear and rational manner. What good would it have done if I continued to be angry at my brother and to sit and fume about how my deafness keeps me from being 100% included in certain situations? I cannot expect everyone to bow down to me and make sure "poor little deaf Elizabeth is all right." I am a big girl and I can try to figure out how to deal with it.

Those who are new to deafness or who are very young, it may be a while until you reach the point of fully accepting who you are and how things will be. It is up to you to attempt to find ways to learn how to deal with certain obstacles thrown in your way. You will need to talk about it more and know when to ask for help. It is OK to get angry and sad about your deafness. But, don't let it get the best of you. Get up, breathe, learn from it, and move on.

(e

30 comments:

  1. Yes - I know what you mean! My personal battle is in the pool. Since I can't wear my hearing aids in the pool I can't follow a conversation at all, and my in-laws love to talk in the pool. They are usually not talking about anything I would contribute to, but it is a constant frustration for me not to be able to hear them and participate. Thanks for your advice.
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  2. Exclusion and always being a step or two behind the times is unfortunately a fact of life in a Hearing society. The society that deaf people have built up is an escape from this as well as a healthier situation to socialize in.

    "Audism" and "deaf hate crime", as their proponents suggest, is not referring to merely being left out. It refers to discrimination, either active or passive, where the situation is structured for hearing people and no allowance is permitted nor even considered for people without adequate
    hearing. An example is public address systems, foyer intercoms, telephones required for jobs, and people who say "bring a family member to interpret for you." More active discrimination can be such as "we aren't set up for hearing impaired persons, sorry."

    You're right, annoying situations such as being out of the loop isn't grounds for extreme labels. Still, it is annoying and sometimes borders on discrimination, so it should be dealt with so that people don't thoughtlessly expect you to tolerate it all the time.
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  3. That's an excellent example of why ASL is also important. If a family had known sign language, the communication would have been more accessible...

    My best to you...
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  4. ASL is important, yes. But me and my family have our ways of communicating, and I hear enough that I am not dependent on ASL. I may miss bits and pieces at times. I also realize that not everyone will use ASL (in the real world), so I am fine with learning how to deal with communication issues in certain areas (noisy areas, the back seat of the car, etc.). I am constantly learning new ways to deal with it. It can be frustrating, but it can be rewarding too.

    (e
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  5. Even if my brother knew ASL at the time, he would have had a hard time translating for me, as he was trying to hear the whole story. Not many people can listen, translate, and sign at the same time. He was kind enough to be sure he got everything and to tell me what they said and make sure I understood. I just have to understand that this is a part of who I am. Instead of getting pissed about it, I choose to be patient and learn from my experiences, and to teach others.

    (e
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  6. Yeah, I can relate to it. It's one of the challenges of growing up in a hearing family. I have long ago learned to deal with it, whether I liked it or not. However, my family has been VERY good with involving me, immediately turning to me to tell me what they are talking about, etc. So I appreciate it...
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  7. You choose to be patient and put up with others, that is your business.

    See, when I said if everyone knows ASL, it would mean your brother wouldn't even have to translate for you because it would mean everyone signs, signs, signs. That's why I said the communication would be accessible.

    That is where you and I differ in our perspectives when it comes to ASL & Deaf. In your statements, it seems that you suggest ASL as a crutch. For example, "... I hear enough that I am not dependent on ASL..." That is where you and I see differently. I don't see it as being dependent on ASL. I see it as a way of life, a language. I notice that you seem to view Deaf in negative perspective, such as "deafness."

    Even people who use ASL live in the real world. The "real world" does not mean hearing people only, but it is for everyone.

    “Be the change you want to see in the world.” - Gandhi
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  8. Interesting..

    I have blown up in the past too , and it wasn't worth it either since the moment had passed.

    It's v frustrating and I'm a hot head , meaning I blow up very easily.Amazingly I don't blow up often enough - I wonder if that is bc I accepted it?

    As for ASL - or in my case , GSL , it IS a crutch to me.an useful one yes , but a crutch.Some things are too abstract to be described through sign language :) Plus not everybody signs.
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  9. My hearing Mom in the back seat of the car or in the dining room does that too when my wife Shirley and I talk in ASL.

    But my hearing Mom still doesn't get it how much my wife and I are being left out majority of the time in her hearing culture reality.

    I think that the hearing people would be more upset for not knowing what is going on during ASL conversation more than us Deaf people in oral conversations.

    I feel for you but this is how we are being treated as insignificance and undignified because most of us(not me) accept it.

    It is how loud you need to be for those to hear your concerns and most of the deaf people have been too quiet to be heard.

    We(and you) will achieve according how we progress our ambition to be recognized equally by letting the world(society) know.

    John
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  10. Brenster- I did not mean to say that ASL is a crutch. No, not at all. I simply meant that for me I did not rely on ASL. For some, yes, ASL is necessary! I am advocate for ASL for some of my students (severe-profound hearing losses, trouble expressing themselves, trouble with language). ASL is wonderful. I am only talking about my experience. I cannot speak for everyone else.

    (e
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  11. Brenster said - "I notice that you seem to view Deaf in negative perspective, such as "deafness."

    What is that suppose to mean?
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  12. John said - "We(and you) will achieve according how we progress our ambition to be recognized equally by letting the world(society) know."

    Yes, that is exactly the point I was trying to make! :)

    (e
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  13. (e,

    But there are people like Mike, Barry, Candy, White Ghost, Russel, and the cronies that will not be appreciated by giving harsh treatment to people like you and me trying to let the society know.

    Read the MindField book and you will get what I mean.
    http://www.amazon.com/MindField-John-Egbert/dp/059542158X/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276124665&sr=1-4
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  14. I don't think that's what they mean. I don't think they are cronies. I respect them. We will all do what we feel is best for us. I think they are against people telling them what to do or what they think is best for them.

    I'll read the book you suggested, thanks.

    (e
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  15. (e,

    You said,
    "I think they are against people telling them what to do or what is best for them."

    I think that we are trying to help parents of Deaf babies.

    And it is them, those people are telling us, the Deaf community, not to tell the parents what is best for their Deaf babies.

    They(Mike, Barry, White Ghost, Russell, etc are the ones that are hurting the Deaf people that were disfranchised by their misguided, misinformed parents and it is the integrity of us that have been through this experience of being language deprived that is doing what we are doing now.

    You decide, respect those people or have consideration of those future Deaf babies and children to be bilingual and lead to a normal life.

    John
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  16. Whenever I wanted to feel included, and asked what's going on, they often tell me "I tell you later". Sometimes that later never come because I can't bring up the subject (too awkward). ASL do help us feel included if all our loved ones would sign around us. But, yeah, this isn't Audism, unless a person truly feel neglected by a person and made them feel too unimportant to be included.
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  17. John, you are misguided. You may believe that all babies should sign from the start. I believe in parents right to choose. You believe ASL is the answer, I believe that no one size fits all. It's that simple. I grew up in a culturally deaf family and value ASL as much as you. I know what it is like to be excluded in conversations at times. We don't need crutches in our life, it only holds you back and breeds things that we're better off without.

    (e's experience is normal, because I hear a lot of the same too. That should not be the reason to say that all deaf babies should learn ASL, if the parents want to opt for it, great. If they don't, that's their choice.

    There are way too many young adults doing so well in the mainstream society with the choices their parents have made for them that may or may not include ASL. A lot of the successes either way, typically is dependent on parents involvement.

    I have never said NO to ASL. I support choice. Simple as that.
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  18. Yes, I am often told to "Wait" or "Oh, it's nothing." "Never mind." It sucks. But people who know me, know better than to do this. I would just look at them and be like "Really? You are going to be like that?"

    What is tricky is when you are in a work situation or a situation where you do not know the people really well. But, it is still vey important, as hard as it can be, to speak up and demand that they repeat what you missed out on. Dammit!

    (e
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  19. Thanks Candy for stopping by! I was hoping one of you would stop by and say what you have to say! :)

    (e
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  20. John said - "We(and you) will achieve according how we progress our ambition to be recognized equally by letting the world(society) know."

    Yes, that is exactly the point I was trying to make! :)

    (e

    I wanted to clarify that what I meant was by letting the world know about how to deal with us, depending on our situation. We are all unique in how we will advocate for ourselves (whether we sign or not).

    (e
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  21. (e,

    It is up to you how you want to respect those that do not go out in public to advocate for what is best for Deaf babies and children in schools or if you want to learn more of those that do show up in public to promote betterment for Deaf babies and children in schools.

    No one knows who candy is. No one knows who white ghost is. Why waste your time listening to these people that stays in their closet.
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  22. Aonymous, wrong. Some people do know who I am. It does not matter if one wants to remain anonymous, like you. :) I respect people's right to remain anonymous, again, like you.

    Some of us have different views in how we want to advocate for deaf babies. I think it's high time for people to start respecting that.
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  23. candy,

    you don't advocate for deaf babies!

    You are part of the rank of barry, mike, white ghost, russell. You all are part of the clique supporting each other hoping to have more followers like (e.

    Really, "pathetic" is yours and all of your the cronies' middle name.

    Get a Life!
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  24. I am not a follower of the "cronies pathetics". However, I agree with most of their views. But they are not a cult and they are not looking for 'followers'. They are simply interacting with those who agree and disagree with them.

    I am just here stating my opinions and sharing my personal experiences as a hard of hearing woman or a woman with partial deafness.

    (e
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  25. (e,

    If we don't do something about it, we will have plenty of people like you and me in the future sharing our personal experiences as a hard of hearing person for the next 100 years and these "cronies pathetics" are going to make it even longer.
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  26. Some of this blog's commentators are missing some basics.

    Being oral or HOH or otherwise rooted in the hearing mindset, they are talking about parents' right of choice in communication methods. No one is taking away any choices!

    What most people might feel comfortable with is a balanced, comprehensive approach for all d/D/HOH babies at the beginning. The family is encouraged to see all approaches live, in the home, and to see how their babies respond.

    By the age of one year old, when choices are usually made both medically and educationally, the families will be more comfortable and knowledgeable in the choices they make. Also at that age, more will be known about the child's hearing abilities and speech reception.

    Here is where the HOH kids will open up additional hearing and speech choices, while at the same time their families will have an essential knowledge of the impact hearing loss has on their child's life.

    The advantage of this type of approach is that parents have hands-on experience and is in a better position to make choices and to be flexible about their choices if needed in the future, such as if the child has a progressive loss, or found to be gifted in lipreading, or has a form of learning disability apart from hearing loss.
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  27. No, we will still have unique personal experiences to share for the next 100 years, whether we are deaf or not, whether we grow up with ASL or not. That is what makes life so interesting. Plenty of my hearing friends have challenges they have to deal with. My challenge is to learn how to deal with certain situations with people who are not my friends and families. Do I sit there and get mad or do I advocate for myself by telling others what the problem is and working with them to fix the problem?

    (e
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  28. Thank you Dianrez for clearing things up. :) You always have thoughtful things to say. I appreciate your comments.

    (e
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  29. LOL Anonymous, really?! You're so sure you know me well, eh? Well, let me tell you a real story. My neighbor has a daughter who was recently diagnosed with a hearing loss. She came up to me and asked me what should she do. Her daughter lost her hearing at the age of two. The audiologist didn't tell her anything, just 'yes, your daughter has hearing loss - try hearing aid.' I told her everything, I told her about people like you! I even told her about my family who happen to be deaf and my nieces and nephews who are deaf and is involved in one of the two best bi bi program in the USA. I told her about CI. Told her that she need to decide what is best for her child. Gave her all the information, both good and bad. Plus!, I told her to watch out for people like you! ;)
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  30. E, I just wanted to comment on this blog, since I know too much of this experience,having experienced it many times, I guess all deaf people goes through this. I have in the past, gotten mad then stormed off since I was so frustrated then feel sorry for myself. I know I shouldn't really since I have to stand up for myself and make sure I get answered. Recently I have started letting things go and not asking too much what everybody's talking about(it's usually about music which I am NOT interested in). If it is for me, they would come and tell me or I could ask them AFTER the conversation- that way none of us get mad since I was not "listening" at the time. My mum/sister knows a little of fingerspelling and do use this sometime when I cannot understand. I am going through the stage of advocating for myself with my family members, mum, brother and sister, explaning why I cannot hear/understand them so it would explain why I cannot then them and myself would be less frustrated
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