June 02, 2010

My Response to Playing Hearing: A Losing Game

* After re-reading the post and getting some clarification from the writer of the post, I made some changes:

I read Mr. Horrell-Schmitz's lengthy and well written piece about 'playing hearing' or pretending to be hearing to try and get by in the predominantly hearing world. 

I thought it was sad how at the time he thought that mainly pretending to be hearing was what he had to do in order to be accepted. It was sad that he never realized or was taught that he did not have to pretend, he had to speak up for himself and educate others on what they have to do. It is so exhausting to pretend!!! That must have been terrible; trying to hide who you are. It was obvious he did not get the support he needed and did not know that it was OK to admit he is deaf and ask for help.

Most people do not ever hear about deaf people or have met them. How are they supposed to know what they are supposed to do in certain situations, unless you tell them? For example, the incident in class where he could hear the professor but not the student's response. I don't think the professor knew what he was doing or may have simply forgot about the fact that his deaf student and others may have trouble hearing what his classmate had to say. This is where he should of asked the professor to repeat or rephrase what the student said. That's it. It is not that complicated. Hearing students do it all of the time. Instead, he did not address the situation, and he went on pretending to be hearing, and chose not to help others be aware of his deafness. Sad. But, then again, how was he supposed to do this when he was trying so hard to hide his deafness?

I do not agree with the following statement:
 
It is very, very hard to find your place in the world as an oral/aural hard of hearing person.  We are neither hearing nor Deaf.  We will never truly be respected and or accepted as equal to hearing when all we are is some broken version of them.  

It is true that for the hard of hearing or oral/aural deaf person, they are never really hearing nor Deaf, according to most people. We are however we want to describe ourselves. Yes, it can be hard. However, we CAN find the respect we truly deserve and be accepted by others more. Yes, we can. Sure, we will never truly be accepted as equal, but wouldn't you say the same for everyone, except the common wealthy white male? We all face this. I have been discriminated against being a woman much more than being partially deaf. But, I chose not to fully focus on accepting my 'womaness' and swear off all men. It does not work that way. You need learn to accept yourself fully and present the real you to everyone, not just a selected few. In my opinion, most people do not view us as a 'broken version of them'. I find that we often view ourselves in this way. People may not know what to do or how to interact with those with deafness, but most likely it is not because they pity you or think less of you. They are ignorant and need to be taught what to do. Some people are fascinated by people with deafness and admire those who are successful and not let their deafness get in the way. Some simply could care less if you are deaf or not; they just want to see if you can get the job done. And yes, some pity us. And some are jealous and want to be deaf themselves (hello, deaf wannabes!).

I sympathize with Mr. Horrell-Schmitz and I am sure that many others can relate. His post gave me a better understanding of why some deaf and hard of hearing people embrace deafhood or go as far as to give up, shun all hearing people, and choose only to deal with others like themselves. I thank him for sharing his story.

(e


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16 comments:

  1. Hello
    Thank you for reading my post. And thank you for your attempt to further examine my experiences. However, I am afraid, you may have missed the point of the article. You said you disagreed that it was hearing people's fault for my experiences. I should revisit my blog and clarify this point more, or, perhaps visit www.youtube.com/aslnikki and watch my wife's vlog on dysconcious audism.
    The intent of my blog was to address dysconcious audism--specifically, the internalized (real or imagined) inferiority complex many Deaf, deaf, hard of hearing persons feel about being who they are.
    Yes, I "should have" spoken up, but that is just it--that IS the issue--i couldn't speak up when I didn't know myself. I couldn't ask to have the professor repeat what the student was saying because I had so internalized that sense of inferiority.
    The point of the piece is not to lay blame for my struggles, rather, it is to examine the inner workings of a member of society who "feels" marginalized and, with those feelings, acts in ways that further marginalize him. My organic cure for my feelings relating to deafness, was to examine myself in the light of Deafhood. And, in so doing, I found myself to already be quite whole.
    I hope this clarifies any misconceptions you may have had about my post.
    Warmly,
    M. Richard Horrell-Schmitz
    ReplyDelete
  2. I spoken up many times, but it get tiresome to remind people over and over again. You know how many times a day I tell someone to remove their hand from their face or face at me. Or how many times I asked them to repeat. It gets kinda embarrassing that I'm keeping the conversation flow stuck in one place.
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  3. Two simple points to make here.

    1) Excuses are by-products of failures.

    2) Disappointments are by-products of unrealistic expectations.
    ReplyDelete
  4. Changing your way of life to something that will work is not making excuses.
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  5. I can definitely relate to the feelings of marginalization that Horrell-Schmitz talks about. That is how I felt about myself before I became a part of the deaf community at age 18 years. When I was young, I had no coping skills, didn't know I could assert myself, and was basically in survival mode. Yet, I have a lot of admiration for my younger self who had the inner toughness and mental and spiritual fortitude to forge ahead and not let anything stop me. Even though I understood I was different from other people, inside myself I KNEW I was okay, and that carried me through the times when I felt all alone. I got that affirmation from my hearing parents, who always let me know they thought I was okay too. Now that I'm older, I have a accumulated a lot more tools to use to deal with situations appropriately.

    I also agree with the author of this post, "Eh What Huh," that the majority of hearing people simply have no clue whatsoever about deaf people. It's my mission to be the ambassador between the hearing and deaf worlds. I'm always mindful of the possibility that I may be the first and only deaf person they've ever met, so I want to be sure and make it a pleasant and positive experience. Especially, I make a point to give them communication tools that they can use. Every hearing person can be educated about d/D/hh etc., so that the next encounter will be a little easier on everyone. Plus, it's good karma - what goes around, comes around!
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  6. Some play at hearing because there is no future acting as deaf. Not everyone deaf has the fall back of the deaf community if everything else fails, others do not want a deaf fall back they want back in to their norm, no matter how second-hand it is..... We know playing the hearing game is not being true to ourselves, we know too that on the street principles count for nothing at all if you are to survive. It's being made to choose that causes problems. It suits me at times for people to assume I can hear, this then protects me from suffering real abuse. I'd disagree you can educate some people, they view deaf as stupid and won't change their view. If others have no deaf community back up, how do you suggest they proceed without it ? Nothing is simple... Seminars and and such are not the street.
    ReplyDelete
  7. Ok, reading the post again I understand where you are coming from. (Anything we write will be misinterpreted.)I see that without any support from others who understand, it would be hard to "speak up" or advocate for yourself. How are you suppose to know if no one ever taught you or if you felt 'inferior'? I now understand that the point of your post was not to blame others. I guess not many people are as lucky as me or others in terms of getting the support we need.

    (I'll admit my post was not a well thought out response. I wrote it rather quickly.)

    I can understand why someone would embrace a group of people or culture where everyone understands you. But, I will never understand why someone would give up on and reject an entire population that they've had trouble with (hearing population). Why not continue talking and interacting with the hearing population while also interacting with the deaf population too? I don't see the need to throw your hands up and decide not to ever use your voice again or deal with hearing people again.

    But, that's me. I just don't understand, and I probably never will.

    (e
    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh, and by the way thanks everyone for your comments. And thank you aslikki for your response.

    I am listening and I do take every one of your thoughts into consideration. I learning so much from all of you.

    Thanks,

    (e
    ReplyDelete
  9. Since my work and life frequently brings me into Hearing groups unlike most Deaf people, I often resort to anything short of making waves.

    I use interpreters when available, write notes where it works, sometimes even go to the head of a line to ask directions then go back and take my place.

    Breaking into discussions or presentations and demanding accommodation isn't my style, nor is fighting the system when there are less disruptive ways around it. I may give up something, but coping with messy bureaucracy, stupid hearing people, or just plain barriers takes more time and effort.

    Hearing society is so dense and resistant to change that it requires a big public education effort and mandated accommodations to make a difference. Then it is easier to just maintain it from there on.

    My sense of empowerment comes from picking and choosing my battles. I am not a one-person education campaign; I just speak for myself and my objective at the moment most of the time. Sometimes I will be an advocate for others, usually for a specific person one at a time because no two Deaf are alike in their communication skills. In those situations true advocacy is equipping both sides with tools to meet again without me next time.
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  10. Dianrez says: "In those situations true advocacy is equipping both sides with tools to meet again without me next time."

    Yes! That is my goal for my students or whomever I am helping. It's a tough job, isn't it? I never feel like I can do enough or do a good enough job. It's so frustrating.

    (e
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  11. Hello (e, et al;

    This is what I posted back on my blogsite, but thought your readership would appreciate seeing my response as well.

    Thanks for following up. I do enjoy this. It is QUITE exhausting trying to be something you are not; to be sure.

    Have I stopped socializing with hearing? In a word, no. Not by any means. But, what I have stopped doing is socializing on their terms to my own detriment. For example, my father and mother took an ASL class when I decided to stop wearing hearing aids. And, so, my whole family and I communicate better now than ever. Why? I stopped acting, pretending, getting by, and doing everything on hearing terms.

    Truly, I socialize MORE now with hearing people, because, whereas I used to nod along or laugh on cue, now I set more Deaf-friendly parameters and I am more involved, more respected, and more "normal."

    Coming to understand one's self as a Deaf human being, and reaching a level of Deafhood (the point where I am no longer the sum of my less-than-optimally-functioning body parts) does not mean a "rejection" of hearing people--not at all. It means I reject the notion that I must be, behave, speak, communicate, or live like hearing people to be normal. And I embrace the notion that I am free to be, behave, communicate and live as a Deaf person outside of the aforementioned hearing norms. (Perhaps think of it as a conversion--were I to become a Christian, for example, would not mean I automatically stopped communicating with my Jewish family; but they would have to come to terms with the new me and accept that I do not have to pretend to be them. Make sense?)


    Again, thanks for the dialogue.

    Warmly,
    M. Richard Horrell-Schmitz
    ReplyDelete
  12. And here is the response I posted on your site:

    Thanks for your response. It makes perfect sense. I am going to use your story as an example to all of the “pretenders” I work with, if you don’t mind. It is a truly sad story. All that time wasted being something you are not!

    Thanks,

    (e
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  13. Let the discussion between aslnikki and I be a good example of how to talk with those we may not completely agree with or understand. We did not yell at each other, or call each other names. We simply talked and asked questions and came to an understanding.

    (e
    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm not sure pretenders is being fair, if you are an acquired deaf person then 'pretending' does not come in to it. Unless you use sign language all day as a norm, there is no way usually anyone knows you are deaf is there ? How many STOP signing when out on the street ? Is this not 'pretending' to be hearing too ?

    When I first met my partner who has to sign to communicate, I took her out to the shops/cinema etc and naturally from my view I signed to her about our time together, and she would say NO do not sign, people are staring at us, I said so what ?

    She told me her children had always told her not to sign outdoors because it attracted unwanted attraction to them, it became a habit. If anything it is down to me she is confident in signing outside the home and club now. The issue is, EVERYONE outside assumes I am NOT deaf but some mentor or terp lol... because my speech has always been good and my lip-reading and anticipations a lot better. Itell people I'm deaf too, they don't believe me.
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  15. Mr. Horrell-Schmitz, I understand you now. thanks for the clarification. Yup, before I learned ASL, I pretended a lot with hearing people. After ASL, I did not have to pretend any more. I had a language that I could easily access, and by comparison, speech-reading was a lot more effort. I think that the awareness thing is a two-way street. The more I'm able to articulate whether or not I understand, and the more I'm able to assert my desire to be involved in the communication, the better able my hearing friends can be about how to include me in appropriate ways that respect and include me. I realize now that even when I would say I understood, it was always real obvious that I did not, so I was never fooling anybody to begin with. That's really pitiful, isn't it? It's so much better to be honest and upfront about it. My family members, for example, now understand that speech-reading in a big group situation like a holiday dinner is exhausting for me, and if they want me to participate, they have to make some kind of accommodation for me. I'm happy to say that they do.

    DianRez, we are more alike that I would ever have imagined. "Hearing Society" is tough to change, you're right. But we can be like the person on the beach throwing stranded starfish back in the sea. I may not be able to help or educate everyone, but I helped that one, or two.
    ReplyDelete
  16. How about those who are playing deaf ? The majority with hearing loss. OK we've done the physical side the ears are Kaput but... When will we see an end to advice to enter the deaf world and culture and their communication forms and lifestyles, so we can have our own ID that stands alone, and develop an system geared for us ? while we waste time trying to be coconut deaf we simply sacrifice our own need. Deaf awareness has failed catastrophically, so why keep resurrecting the dead ?
    ReplyDelete

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